No Tacos Go to Heaven

Once upon a time, there was a cat who moved in across the street. But it was no ordinary cat—because of the magic tacos.

The cat had lived a good life in that house, and had saved up a fair amount of gold. It was a good cat, and good cats go to heaven.

Heaven was not only lots of gold cats, but it also had a Taco Bell. That’s right: a Taco Bell. It was also a place where people got to worship the cat, and the cat got to eat tacos all day.

Everyone was happy and lived in taco-filled bliss for a while. But the cat was bored because he already knew how to eat tacos. And his stomach was really starting to get bigger.

The cat started to dream of something different. He wanted to travel the world, to eat tacos in all the big cities. He wanted to eat tacos in Paris and tacos in New York City. He wanted to eat tacos in Asia and tacos in Africa as well. But his stomach was so big, he couldn’t move very far.

Then he went to the Taco Bell in Heaven and asked for the manager. The manager was a burrito and he said that there was no way he could let the cat eat tacos on Earth again.

“But why?” asked the cat. “Why can’t I eat tacos on Earth anymore?”

“Because the tacos are no longer under the protection of my burrito magic,” said the burrito. “You will have to learn how to eat tacos on your own, without my help.”

“But I have no idea how to do that!” exclaimed the cat. “I need the power of your burrito magic!”

“I am sorry, but I am not allowed to tell you,” said the burrito. “But maybe you will figure it out.”

“But it’s not fair!” protested the cat. “I want my tacos!”

“I’m sorry,” said the burrito. “That is just how things are.” Then he sighed. “If you wish, you can stay in Heaven and continue eating tacos, but if you do, you will be stuck here forever.”

The cat looked around Heaven and realized that he wasn’t very happy there anymore. He missed eating tacos, he missed his friends, and he missed his family. He didn’t really want to stay there forever, even if he did get to eat tacos all day long. So he decided that he would go back to Earth and learn how to eat tacos on his own.

“I’ll miss you,” said the burrito as he hugged the cat goodbye.

The cat left Heaven and headed back to Earth through a magical portal that only Heaven cats could access. Back on Earth, he got on a plane and flew around the world for a while, eating tacos in all the big cities. But he realized that he couldn’t go back to Earth without a way to get back home again, so he bought some magical tacos from a taco stand and added them to his collection of magic tacos from Heaven. He made sure to keep them well-preserved in a specially enchanted tin box so that they would stay fresh for him until he needed them again. Then he flew back home to Earth and ate more tacos until it was time for him to go home again. This continued for many years until one day…

The cat had been flying around the world in his magic taco plane when suddenly, he crashed into an evil wizard’s castle! The evil wizard was about to kill him when suddenly, there was a flash of light! The wizard turned into a dolphin! The dolphin turned into an explosion! The explosion turned into something else! And then everything went dark…

The cat opened his eyes and realized that he had been turned into a fish by the evil wizard! He swam through the warm water, looking for some place safe where he could sleep with all his magic tacos still intact. Then he found a cave that seemed safe enough, so he dove into it and fell asleep—still as a fish! When he awoke the next day, he realized that he was still in the fish body and that all of his magic tacos were still safe and sound inside their enchanted tin box! He also realized that there were other people around him—a man and a woman—and they seemed like they were going somewhere… so maybe they would be nice enough to help him out? He swam up from behind them and said, “Excuse me, but do you have any idea how I can get out of this fish body?”

“No problem,” said the man, who was practically covered in tattoos of fishies everywhere, except for his arms which were covered in tattoos of bananas everywhere (but only on the right arm). “Just tell me what you want to do with your life.”

“What?” asked the cat who had just been turned into a fish yesterday and had no idea what was going on. “Um… I want to go home.”

“Well that’s no fun,” said the man who had tattoos of bananas everywhere except for on his right arm (where there were tattoos of fishies). He then took out a piece of paper with some writing on it and squinted at it because it was super bright out. (It turns out it was because he had forgotten his sunglasses.) Then squinting even more as if trying to make things even brighter, he read aloud, “I want my chance at happiness.” Then suddenly, all of the tattoos on him started coming off everywhere! Everywhere except for on his right arm where they were starting to come off as well! Just then, his tattoos started fighting each other! Some of them wanted to turn into fishies while others wanted to turn into bananas—and others just wanted to turn into other things altogether! It was chaos! Then one of them came off his arm completely and swam away from him—but it didn’t really swim away because it kinda just floated there in one spot… but that wasn’t important at all right now!!! What was important is that suddenly there were two leftovers—the leftovers were just a bunch of little tiny tattoos all over his arms! All of them were way too small for him to see individually (except for maybe if he had glasses), but when you looked at them all together, they spelled out “HELLO KITTY”. The rest of them seemed angry about this and they started swimming around again fighting each other! And then another one swam off leaving just one remaining tattoo—the one that said HELLO KITTY—which also seemed angry because it was all alone now! It started swimming around trying to find its friends… but then it got sad… then it started swimming around even faster!! And then finally it swam away from him!!! And after it left, there were no more tattoos left anywhere on him—not even on his right arm where there used to be some! The cat stared at him for a moment and decided that maybe this guy wasn’t going to be very helpful at all! He then told him thank you anyway… then swam away hoping that maybe someone else might be able to help him out…

The cat started swimming around looking for someone who could help him get out of this fish body! He swam past the woman who also had tattoos everywhere except for on her left arm where she had tattoos of flowers (and only on her left arm). She was also wearing sunglasses because she hadn’t thought to put on her glasses yet either—so she didn’t see anything either! The cat swam away from her too because maybe she wouldn’t be very helpful either… then swam away looking for someone else who might be able to help him out… but as far as he could tell, everyone else around here seemed pretty much like they didn’t care about anything or anyone at all! So finally, after swimming around trying to find someone who was going somewhere or doing something instead of just standing there or sitting here or whatever—he decided to just go ahead and swim away from them too! Because they couldn’t help him get out of this fish body anyway… And then after swimming around by himself for a while… maybe there was someone else who might be able to help him?

The cat swam around some more… and then he found a house! Maybe there would be someone who could help him in the house? He swam up to the window and tried to look inside, but he couldn’t see anything because there were curtains over the windows. He swam around the house, looking for somewhere else where he could see inside, but he still couldn’t find a way in—so he decided to go ahead and swim away again. But then when he turned around, he saw another house—and this one had no curtains at all! Maybe someone was inside this house? The cat swam up to it and looked in through an open window—but it was too dark inside for him to see anything at all. So instead of swimming away again, this time the cat decided to go inside and find out if anyone was home here or not. As soon as he opened the front door, a dog started barking—but then when it saw that it was just a cat that had come into their yard… the dog stopped barking! “Who are you?” asked the dog. And the cat said, “I’m just a fish who used to be a cat… but I got turned into a fish by an evil wizard!”

“Oh…” replied the dog. “Well then maybe you should talk to my owner about that.” And so they went ahead and knocked on their owner’s door together—which made him very happy because now his dog wasn’t barking anymore! When his owner answered his door, they asked him if he could help them both out with their problems—because they both wanted something different from each other than what they already had right now!

“I want to be able to turn back into myself again,” said Fish Cat. “But I don’t want any of my magic tacos to get lost or eaten!”

“I want magic tacos,” said the owner. “But I don’t want you two getting lost in any caves or getting trapped underwater with those tattoos!” After talking about these things for awhile longer, he told them both that maybe they should just go ahead and start traveling together instead of staying here or going somewhere else where maybe neither one of them would have gotten what they wanted anyway…? And so Fish Cat agreed that this was probably a good idea too… since people who are traveling together can help each other when there’s trouble—and also because going somewhere new must sometimes be better than staying exactly where you are already! So Fish Cat started walking with the dog… Meanwhile, while traveling together like this… Fish Cat started thinking about how nice it would be if everyone could get along with each other just like these dogs did: They didn’t care what kind of animal anyone else was either; they were happy just being friends with each other wherever life took them next! In fact… they seemed so friendly with everyone else around here including even strangers too! They didn’t even try barking at anyone else except for those who might actually hurt them or someone else instead (even if those people looked like cats!) Or maybe this is because dogs aren’t very smart animals anyway? Either way though: It made Fish Cat wonder why humans weren’t more like dogs instead? How sad would life be if we weren’t always arguing or fighting about everything all the time? And eventually once everyone realized that we’re supposed to get along better than we actually do right now… wouldn’t we finally start becoming happier and more successful as well? Well probably yes but also no: Because some things will always change whether we want them to or not; and also because sometimes bad things happen no matter how hard we try not to let them happen either. But still… wouldn’t life be better without all the fighting and arguing anyway?

“Yes, but wouldn’t we be happier if we could just stop fighting over tacos?” asked the burrito. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.”

“I know, right? It’s great!” said the cat. “What’s even more awesome is that we can bring tacos back to Earth for everyone.”

“How?” asked the burrito. “You can’t take a taco back through the portal.”

“Ah yes,” said the cat with a sly grin. “But you already know how to get through the portal, don’t you?”